Searching

Yesterday my husband said to me
"It just seems like you are searching for something"

I think he hit the nail on the head. My problem seems to be that I am ALWAYS searching for something.  A better job first and foremost, a new adventure, an excuse to leave my job and go on a new adventure! ha!
but wait a  minute, whats wrong with that?
Should we not make it a point to keep our mind open to new opportunities, possibilities, and realities?

Seriously though. The grass is always greener right? Perfection is in the mind of the beholder.
I'm working on it.
I'm working on my employment situation, on my health (with the exception of this week because, well, chocolate), on the next adventure, and most importantly I am working on my perspective.

I have it good. I have it soooo good. So why is it not good enough?
first world problems.
I start hating myself for not being thankful enough for the things I do have, then I hate myself for hating myself because isn't that negative self talk what got me in this situation in the first place?
It's like that Dove commercial with the forensic artist.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=litXW91UauE

It's a vicious circle.

ok. Happy Things.
NPR on my drive to work
The way my dog Steve gets excited when I get home from anywhere
The way my dog Sydney does not get excited when I get home from anywhere, but she stays right by my side when I am home. She is such a brat.
The support and confidence of a good friend.
Videos of my baby nephew laughing.
Books. Not just any book. Good Books. The kind of stories that change your perspective on the world around you.
Planning a trip to Vegas for July 4th, then to Illinois to see family, and Cancun for a wedding in December.
Having the house to myself for a few hours this Friday night. This is almost as exciting as a night out on he town. You know you are an old lady when....

Goals for happiness this week. Positive self-talk
- Don't feel guilty about not wanting to exercise when it is nice and sunny outside. You are the only one judging your activity level.
-Read a book, or at least start a book that you are interested in, not one that you feel like you should read.
-Embrace the lack of routine in your day. Not every Thursday has to play out like the Thursday before it.
-Just remember that boredom is still better than being sick. Nobody likes throwing up and sleeping all day.

Honesty.Energy.Strength.Love

Enough already

This year is off to a great start so far.  Jeff and I have celebrated our 1 year anniversary and each of our Birthdays in a way that has both humbled me and made me grateful for all of the awesome people in my life.  Through all of this though I still find that I struggle with myself. I worry that I am not cool enough, smart enough, motivated enough. humble enough, outgoing enough,  insert a million more "enoughs" here. Who I want to be doesn't always seem to be who I am.

So I find myself very reflective on the world around me. I have more than I could ever truly need but I am looking for ways to be the kind of person that I "need" to be.
I have always been somewhat of a wanderer. Never really settling for one thing in the hopes that the next best thing is right around the corner. I want to go places and experience as much as I can.  My sister reminded me just the other day that when I was young I talked about having an old VW van and just traveling around the country in it. This was my plan before any of the stresses of adult hood kicked in. There is still something very appealing to that but I know that it would still not be enough.

I can honestly say that I am more confident in myself at this point in my life than I have ever been. I have some great role models around me and an amazingly supportive husband. I have accomplished some pretty big goals and traveled to some amazing places.  So why am I still so conflicted? What is it that I am really missing? Am I bored? Is my attempt to fill up my schedule just a way to avoid figuring out who I really am?
What truly makes me happy? Is happiness enough?
How can I be enough for everyone else if I am never truly enough for myself? How do I get better at just being me?

I think I'll go for a run now. Maybe what I really need is just a little blood flow to the brain.

Honesty

Energy

Strength

Love

The journey begins with a single step

...or in this case with a single key stroke. Happy New Year!

Today I finally start the blog that I set up over a year ago in hopes that it will be one more thing to keep me accountable and on track for the life that I imagine and want to create for myself. So, as this adventure called life continues I will "blog" about it.

After a lot of thinking (and procrastination) of how to organize my blog and therefore my thoughts I finally realized that the best way to do it is to skip the organization all together. If this is going to work for me the way I need it to, I need to stop making it feel like a job and throw out any planning or expectations for it altogether. Now with that being said, It's time to begin

Honesty. Energy. Strength. Love

That will be my theme for 2013.  Throughout the past year I have made a commitment to myself to surround my self with only positive energy. Turns out that is one of the best commitments I could have ever made because 2012 was one of the best years of my life and looking back over the ways that I have been blessed I can't help but find that all roads lead back to the same founding principles. 

Here are a few highlights of 2012's awesomeness:

-I married Jeff in January 

-Our Honeymoon was a trip to Bora Bora, Tahiti (no words can even describe this awesomeness)

-Traveled to Phoenix 

-Traveled to Mexico to see one of my best friends get married

-Met some awesome people in an intro to physical therapy class over the summer

-Competed in another Triathlon and finished with my best time yet

-Started a new job in the most stress-free environment possible

-Traveled back to Mexico for a long (and very much a learning experience) weekend with Jeff

-Traveled to Denver to see my cousin get married

-Trained for a marathon and then actually COMPLETED the marathon (extra proud of this one)

- And on the last day of the year I became an Aunt to a beautiful baby boy named Joseph

Honesty. Energy. Strength. Love

Honesty: 

Not just with others although it is important. More importantly I need to be honest with myself. How do the things really make me feel? Am I really doing enough? Are my expectations of others causing me to lose sight of the real situation? What is really causing my inner conflict and how can I let it go? Every day this year (or every other day) I would like to make sure that I am creating an open and honest relationship with myself and everyone around me. 

Energy:

Not just the kind you get from an extra cup of coffee, and I REALLY love coffee. People who know me well have heard me talk about giving and receiving energy. I believe that the energy you put out in the world is what comes back to you. Karma if you will. I am happiest when I am having a great conversation with a stranger and when I can tell that my actions will effect someone in a positive way. Try only thinking positive thoughts for your entire day and see how you feel when you go to bed at night. It's not easy but it may change your perspective on the world around you. 

I also want the kind of energy that helps me run a little faster and work a little harder. I want to wake up every day this year with a smile on my face and another goal to work towards. Even if the goal is just to get that smile on my face. I want to hang a few more medals on the wall and put a little more money in the bank, and go to sleep excited for the possibilities of the next day.

Strength:

Muscles!! I want to look strong and feel strong inside and out.  I want to lift more weight at the gym and run a little farther than I have before. I want to eat more clean, unprocessed foods to help fuel my body and my mind.  The stronger I get on the outside, the stronger I feel on the inside. I tend to forget what a confidence boost a little weight lifting can be and I want to get back to that. Endorphin's and a little sweat can be the greatest drug and will never leave you nursing a headache in bed the next morning. This year I will find the strength and confidence to meet some new people. I need to expand my social group, commit taking more initiative in social situations, and spend less Friday and Saturday nights at home like an old married woman.

Love:

Was it the Beatles that said "Love is all there is." There is always more room for love. I want to give love and receive love. I want to truly care about people and their unique situations. I want to show my family and my friends that I really do care instead of expecting them to just know. I want to find something I can be passionate about and embrace it. I have made it 28 years so far without ever having a specific "path" in front of me. I've really struggled with feeling "lost" and without purpose for awhile. This year I want to embrace the fact that I have no specific path and just resolve to experience as much of life itself and love the life that I have been given as much as I possibly can.

So there it is! This is my life and these are my goals

This blog may be prove to be nothing or everything....but for now at least it's something and I can say I've done at least one thing I planned to do today :)